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I know I haven't really been active with my blogging for the last months or so, sorry. I actually started to think about re-starting my blog and I have already some ideas and subjects that I can talk about. I'm not trying to attract any readers, I'm just writing for myself mostly. :) But I will be back!

Before that I want to wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011!


It gets better?

I'm back. I don't know if there's anyone who reads my "so called" - blog, but I thought I'd share just a bit of my thoughts that have been going through my head for a while now. Oh yeah, I'm tired while writing this, so I'm not too keen on checking if I'm writing everything as I should (meaning typos and stuff) but let's begin.

I have been going through probably some of the hardest time in my life. I am questioning myself every single day and also I have been judging myself really hard lately. As some of you know, my family doesn't know about how I see myself as a transguy and as for now I have no plans on telling them. My dad constantly makes jokes about LBGT- people and it's killing me inside - no matter how much I try to smile or laugh about it - I don't think I can handle it much longer. He jokes and mom jokes - and they both kinda say that the "accept" gay people etc... But I heard them talking one day about transpeople like "Is it really possible that one has born into a wrong body?" They just think it's something that's wrong in your mind and b"etween your ears" and which "probably could be fixed with a time". Or that's how I understood their opinions as I went on listening to their conversation.

So... You understand now why I can't come out to them ? I, still live at home. I need to get a place of my own before coming out.Thank God I have a job now, so I'll be able to move out sometime in 2011. But living with them is just way too hard at the moment. Not to mention that I have started to question and tease myself with the transguy stuff.

For me right now there are two lives: the guy that I am inside (which is out only when I'm alone or on the internet) and then there's some weird girl-guy-combination that I have to pretend whem I'm with them or someone else who doesn't know yet. I just feel so shitty and to be honest I don't really see anything that could help me feel better. Not now, but maybe in the future. Things might get better.

I'm super worried about me blaming myself over being trans. I don't want to be trans, I would love to be "normal", whatever it means in this fucked up world - where people often need to hide themselves if they feel they differ too much from the so-called average. But I know I will never be able to wear anything girly anymore. I have always hated dressing up like a girl, because I'm not a girl. I don't see myself as a mom either, but I love kids and I actually have visions of myself being a dad one day.

For me there is this "dream picture" of everything being pretty much OK (it doesn't need to be perfect as long as it is something I can live with) and then there is "now" - which is the ditch I'm in at the moment. I keep telling myself that it will get better, but I'm not always sure if it will get better..

I also keep telling myself that eventually I will be able to come out with myself and with this situation that I have - but why can't I have it now?We only live once and life is short. I could get hit by a car and be only a memory tomorrow. No one knows when we are going to die. We should live our lives how we want to - doing the things that feel right, things that we love and that make sense. We shouldn't waste our days hiding ourselves just because someone else might get offended.

I'm scared. I'm scared of myself, what will happen if I don't come out soon enough. I'm scared of transitioning - what if things won't turn out right? I'm scared of other people because they prevent me from being happy and being who I really wanna be. I'm also scared that I won't ever find anyone to shared my life with... "Yeah, I'm young, but...." I have never dated anyone and I know I can't date anyone 'cause I still live at home and they would hate me if I did.

Music - my only love so far, has given me a lot of comfort as it always does when I'm sad. If I didn't have music, I probably would have given up with my life already. It has kept me going for so many years already and I hope that there will be many more years to come. Music is freaking amazing, to me.

So.... This didn't sound too happy or hopeful but I really pray that things do get better. At least some people are a lot more open-minded than what people used to be before - so that's really something. We all need happiness in our lives and we should get everything that non-trans people get: love, family, kids - and a body that we feel to fit in. I wonder what it is to be like a straight guy who NEVER has to question himself on any of these things.








All I have is this picture in a frame....

What do I do when I'm in love with a girl who doesn't know that I like her?! .... And she's with someone else....


I love you. I really do.

Struggling with life

I haven't written anything for a loooooooong time. Things have been crazy. I'd just like to rewind the last couple of months back and I would probably be a lot happier again.

It all started after I turned 20. My family likes to celebrate birthdays, no matter how old you are - birthday is just once in a year, so that's a cool thing to do. We usually invite some of our relatives to celebrate with us too. But not everybody showed up, especially my uncle, which I have known only for about 4 years now and it would have been really important that he had been here to celebrate my 20th birthday. Well anyway, the parties went okay...

The week following was the worst of my life. Something that I won't easily forget. My other uncle, who's an alcoholic and who lives with my mother's mom and takes care of her, just left from the apartment and said that he would not ever come to see her again - not even on her grave after she has passed away. Grandmom was of course extremely upset and called my mom & me to comfort her. I cleaned her closet & living room and found more than 100 empty cans of beer, few bottles of booze and stuff. But I also found a couple of videotapes - gay porn. So, my uncle is gay ? It doesn't really matter much to me, I'm just pissed of about what he did to grandmom.. How can you leave behind your mother for God's sake? 

I had written a letter for him earlier on that week, telling that I can help him to get better, help him to get him over his drinking problem. He said that it was a kind thing to do and every word in it was true... But later that week he told my grandmom that I'm nothing but a stupid lesbian. I was so mad - what the fuck does he know about my life??! I have never dated anyone before + I am not the one who has gay videos hidden in the apartment. That's not who I am. He doesn't know me at all. And I think that I don't know him at all either. Also I think that he called me a lesbian, because he tried to lay his hands on me once "I'm just hugging" - but I didn't let it happen. Such a sick person... I haven't talked with him since the big show he made up for himself.

It is hard enough for me to try do deal with my life, I don't need anyone to say what I am, because I'm the only one who really knows the answer.

Anyway, the worst was still ahead. And by thinking about it now, it makes me even more sad about the conflict I had with my uncle. My grandfather passed away on Aug 28th. He was doing poorly for a few weeks before his passing and I feel sorry that I did not think about him more than what I did, 'cause the uncle-thingy took more space in my thoughts than what I wanted. He was the only grandfather I ever knew and he was the best grandfather in the whole world. He was the kind of man who really cared about kids and I know he loved life. He was always happy and shared his love with everyone who he met.  He'll always be a part of me and I see a lot of him in myself. I still want to be more like him. I wrote a song for him for the funeral and we listened to it after the memorial service. Something to remind him by. :) I miss you grandfather, but we'll meet again...

I am not in a school right now, because I did not get in to those schools I applied to and now I am trying to get a job. But it's hard because the economy is crazy x___x seems like I'm just floating in time and nothing happens.. but bad things. 

Also I've been thinking about my transition a lot lately. I pass very well as a guy, actually I pass as a guy all the time. I was on a holiday and the people I met thought that I'm a male. On the plane one lady said "Sir, your seat is on the right side of the plane" and I just smiled back and said " Thanks ma'am :)" See, the only ones who don't see me as a guy are the people who know me as a girl... I haven't yet found the courage to tell them about that I'm actually a transman. Maybe one day... I'm not yet on testosterone either, but I don't have any rush to start it, as that part of life is going okay. I'm still single though and I'm wondering if any girl will ever see me as who I am and like me as I am...


Writing today because....

I just got the feeling. I finished my driver's academy today (or whatever is it called in english). Anyway it was in two-parts, the first part I did already 2 years ago and now I just had to take a few theory lessons and some driving on a special course where they have put soap on the road to make the circumstances feel like it was winter time. It was pretty neat I guess... but yeah, I'm done with it now. Now I'm going to get my long-term driver's licence and I can drive in any country in Europe with it.

It's the one thing that has kept me to stay here where I live, as I've been wanting to see the world for a long time now. I also need to renew my passport because it expires in July. I'm unemployed and not in any school at the moment, so I might be searching after work or my future abroad. We'll see about that. But I'm excited about the idea of being free first time in my life! 

I'd like to go somewhere far, where people don't know who I am, and I don't need to be the girl which all the people in here think I am. I don't look like a girl, I don't feel like a girl. But I don't complain you know, I just wanna be me. I'm not really looking after for any other status other than that - am I making any sense? You know, how would I be different by dressing the way I feel, the way I've felt for almost all my life?

I have had my hair cut short since the 4th or 5th grade in elementary school. And I have never grown it back again. I also start wearing more boyish clothes by then and I've always used my brother's old clothes as I didn't like the ones I was given elsewhere. My best friends have been boys, I've always been like one of the boys.

Still I'm insecure with who or what I am. I haven't had my first kiss, I didn't dance at the prom because I was afraid not to get a partner or that people would think that I'm a some sort of freak if I'd have a suit on.... I've missed all those things that normal teens have experienced. I've never dated anyone, but I have had huge crush on few people, but I wasn't brave enough to tell them about my feelings.

I've also talked about being trans to my friend, but I don't know if they have really figured out what it actually means... Well it's hard for them too I know.  I just hope that one day I'd find someone to share my life with.


Sorry about the possible typos, but I'm not english hahah... yep.


Hope, will it make everything alright?

I have a big passion for such a things like traveling and music. Music is my safe haven, the one thing I can always rely on. I sing, I play, I listen to it... I feel it. It's in me. It makes me feel better whenever I'm feeling really bad.

One of my dreams is to become an artist. I don't want it for fame, I don't need to get invited to some party where all the celebs hang out. Music is my cure, my trust and hope. I would like to be able to help other people through my music, make them feel better just for a while.  For me music is the thing I love to do the most in this world. But I know there are thousands of people who are working their asses off to get to be a musician one day. I'm hoping to be one of them.

If I hope for something to happen, desperately wanting it to happen, will it happen? Does hope exist, or is it just something people created to have something to believe in?

I believe in hope. It's the only thing we've got left when everything else is gone. Never lose hope, otherwise you'll lose yourself on the way.

Finding myself

I've been an outsider for all my life (well, so far) but now I think I'm in the beginning of a change. I'm a transgender, born as female, but I consider myself more like a male.  I dress in boy clothes, I don't use make up or anything but what makes me think myself as a man is that I feel like one. I've been a tomboy for as long as I can remember and I hated those times when my mom forced me to keep my hair long or I had to use pantyhose... haha well I know it sounds funny, but it wasn't funny at all.

I don't like being in between of a male and a female... but I'm still figuring out who I'm supposed to be. That's why I created this Livejournal account in the first place.. To get connected with the people sharing these same issues and to get courage to do something.

My dream is to become the person that I feel in my heart and soul. I wanna find "me". Who doesn't?

Also, I wanna thank those who have already come out for us who still search who we are, it means a lot to be able to share things.

Always remember that facing difficulties doesn't make us who we are - but surviving does.